Bloggasm

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve found the perfect story for Bill O’reilly to devote weeks of segments to. Never has a piece of news fit the focus of his show so perfectly as this.

What two things does he like to talk about the most? Liberal University scandals and child molesters. He dedicates at least twenty minutes of every show to each.

Well, as it just so happens, a local child molester was arrested recently, and he was a Shippensburg University Police Officer as well.

Okay, Bill, let’s play this one by the books:

First, open up the segment with a one-line description of what happened. Be as vague as possible. Just make sure you hone in on the two main keywords: University and Child Molester (I have bolded these words for your benefit).

Next, bring on two Shippensburg University students as your guests. They’ll be wearing the suits that their parents just bought them specifically for your show. Start asking them questions even though they obviously don’t know anything more than what was on the news. After about two-minutes of back-and-forths, get to the real meat of the interview: How liberal are the professors that teach at Shippensburg University? Do they push their far-left agenda regularly in class (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you to use the words “far-left” at a rate of three times per minute, since it’s already habit by now)? Then start making weak comparisons between these liberal professors and the ones in the other University Scandals you covered, and continue doing this until your viewers are so confused they’re no longer sure on what your point is.

After you’re finished with the college students, bring on some Fox News hired analysts and move on to the University president. Start making accusations that they should have done a more thorough background check on the campus police officer before hiring him, and even hint that they knew beforehand that he was a child molester.

When all is said and done, make demands for two things: That university doners stop making donations to Shippensburg, and that the university president be forced to resign. After he doesn’t do so, keep returning to the story for weeks, throwing a tantrum and setting silly deadlines for him to be fired.

But above all, make sure you keep no journalistic integrity whatsoever. After all, we have to keep those ratings falling!

–Simon Owens