Bloggasm

A day or two ago I got an offer I couldn’t pass up…well sorta. A man named Richard Quick offered to let me interview him as long as I sent him $1500. Since I didn’t have the cash on hand (I will soon, though, after reading his website, in which I will mail him a 10% consulting fee), I lied to him and told him that I did, and since rich people will do anything when money is dangled under their noses, he fell for the lie and let me interview him.

As it says on his blog: “I made my first million by age 12, and reached billionaire status by 28, 16 months ahead of schedule. But my real passion is helping others become filthy rich with little to no effort, skills or investment. I’m also an accomplished author, coach, electrical engineer, movie producer & actor, author, and more.”

Simon Owens: What if I want to get rich slow? Or moderately fast? Could you show your readers how to do that?

Richard Quick: No problem. I have even assisted the grammatically conscious in “Getting Rich Quickly.”

Simon Owens: Some people say that the lottery is a tax on people who don’t know how to do math. As someone who got rich quick, is the lottery the way to go?

Richard Quick: For most people, the only lottery I suggest is “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson.

That’s because they don’t have a system. They don’t have a system and they don’t have a network. I have a system, and a network, and that’s enabled me to make hundreds of millions of dollars in online lotteries that I never even entered! For tax reasons I do not disclose total winnings, but I posted the results of the first two weeks of April.

Simon Owens: Have you ever blown your nose with a $100 bill?

Richard Quick: Absolutely not! I don’t blow my own nose. I have undocumented workers blow my nose for me. Though I did sneeze into a Kruggerand once.

Simon Owens: Is there anything you won’t do for money?

Richard Quick: I am insulted by this question and the anti-wealth bias it indicates. Mr. Owens, you perpetuate the stereotype that all of the ultra-wealthy elite are materialistic and moneydriven. That’s one of the reasons I founded the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People: to break down those bigoted stereotypes, and to promote recognition of the contributions the rich have made and the deep ethical beliefs that guide us. While money is important to me, there are many other forms of assets that I value, including gold, jewels, plutonium and treasure. And don’t forget fame and power. And immortality. And revenge.

Simon Owens: What are the five blogs you’d recommend to supplement the reading of your own?

Richard Quick: There are none that are in my league, though I ran across a delightful and inspiring site moments ago: Millionaires for Jesus.

I am a great admirer of my ex-lover’s Gwen Hammond’s Upper Echelon

Prospertobless is a fine upstanding site. As is New Utopia, which is a utopian community on barges in the caribbean that I am funding.

There’s a young man who wants to write a free verse biography of me. His blog is at angusomann. Let me know if you think he’s too much of a nutjob to indulge.

I look forward to the receipt of your funds as well as seeing the work you are putting in to further my fame, fortune, financial standing and wealth. I invite you to join my followers and students, and I will help you find your inner millionaire, and nurture your inner pirate!

See you on the Veranda!