
Mistress Matisse has been active in the BDSM community for over fifteen years. When she’s not whipping naughty (and nice) boys into shape, she writes a weekly column, Control Tower, that appears in the Seattle paper The Stranger and addresses a variety of alternative sexual topics such as BDSM and kink, polyamory, and sex work. She also has a blog at http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/.
Simon Owens: In order to enter the BDSM culture, does one have to basically live in or around the city, where people who practice it live in concentrated numbers?
Mistress Matisse: I suppose it depends on what you mean by “enter the culture.” If you want to go to large fetish events with lots of people, well then yes, being in a metro area (or being willing to travel) does help. If you simply wish to make a few like-minded friends and do BDSM with your partner, then living in a smaller town is not a problem. Even in a rural area, if you Google the name of your town and “BDSM resources” you’re likely to find something interesting. If not, try again with the name of the county, general area, or nearest larger town, until you hit pay dirt. What you’ll usually find is some kinky e-mail lists and possibly a website for a local BDSM organization. That’s your first stepping stone to meeting people and making friends.
Simon Owens: How does one go about finding other people into BDSM? Is it done solely through the internet?
Mistress Matisse: I myself came out into BDSM before the internet existed, so my answer is definitely not! The internet does make it easier to find events and organizations, but I really don’t think it should be anyone’s only source for BDSM information or kinky social interaction. BDSM is like anything else: there is a lot of misinformation being posted about it online, and there are a lot of people hanging around online venues who aren’t telling the truth about themselves. Doing cyber-BDSM with people you’ve never met in person is, at best, just an erotica writing exercise. More often than not, I think it’s just a huge waste of time. Turn off the computer, leave the house, go talk to real live people.
Simon Owens: With the recent Jason Fortuny scam, where he made a fake ad and then posted all the replies on the internet, do you think this presents a danger for those who are interested in non-traditional sex? How does one go about finding like-minded people but also protect one’s privacy at the same time?
Mistress Matisse: It’s a relatively small danger. If you exercise a reasonable amount of caution about people you meet through personal ads, then you should be fine. Such as: Do not give any identifying information in the first few e-mails. Spend some time chatting with the person and ask yourself: Does this feel right? Not “Is this making me hot?” because that answer is probably yes. But is everything this person is telling me about themselves really adding up? People get so hungry for a partner that they ignore red flags, but you’ve got to think critically if you want to preserve your safety and privacy.
Simon Owens: How did you get your column at the alt-weekly paper? Does your blog help promote your column writing, since you can link to it online?
Mistress Matisse: The official answer is that I got it because I’m a great writer and The Stranger recognized that. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Dan Savage and I used to be night-clubbing buddies way back in the day. Sure, I think the blog helps promote my column, but The Stranger circulates 100,000 paper issues a week and Dan’s column is nationally syndicated, so The Stranger’s website gets huge traffic, way more than my blog.
Simon Owens: In my Diversity of the Blogosphere survey, I found that there were more women sex bloggers than men. Why do you think this is?
Mistress Matisse: I don’t know, unless it’s about perceived readership interest? The idea – which I have heard, but don’t necessarily subscribe to – that both women and men want to read about sex from a woman’s point of view, but that (straight) male readers don’t want to read about another man’s sexual thoughts? An interesting question, though.
Simon Owens: What are the five blogs you’d recommend to supplement the reading of your own?
Mistress Matisse: There are so many bigger, well-known sex bloggers, but I’m going to give some love to some of the smaller ones….
My secondary partner – meaning, we’re lovers but we don’t live together – Monk of Twisted Monk.
Richard Evans Lee is great.
Renegade Evolution is never dull.
John Scalzi’s not a sex blogger but I like him anyway.
This lady is as blistering about her trade – book publishing - as I often wish I could be about mine. Unfortunately, I don’t have the advantage of anonymity: Miss Snark.
Can I add this gal to my blogger list? She’s great: Tasty Trixie.
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