Bloggasm

Upon learning from the hosts of the podcast Filmspotting that they were going to switch from two shows a week to one show a week, I wrote them this letter:

Adam and Sam,

First, let me give you a little background about my history with Filmspotting: Shortly after I bought my Ipod, I logged onto Itunes and started subscribing to podcasts that I thought I’d be interested in. I randomly came across the Filmspotting one and downloaded it, not realizing that upon listening, I would become instantly hooked and never miss a single episode from then forward. I usually go on long walks (sometimes 2 hours of walking a day) and this is when I listen to all my podcasts and audio books.

When you guys made your big announcement, I was walking down a long wood trail, and as soon as I heard you say that you were going to only one show a week, I came to a dead stop and let out a very audible groan. I couldn’t help but notice that the old couple who were walking their dog and passing me at that very moment gave each other a look in which both realized simultaneously that they were alone in the woods with what could very well be a complete psycho. Lucky for them, I wasn’t a psycho, just a diehard fan bemoaning such a saddening announcement.

So I set out to go home and write you a long, flowery email that would convince you beyond a doubt that you should stick to two shows a week. The only thing was: I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss for words. Here I was, a person with a degree in English, and I couldn’t even write the masterpiece to top all masterpieces: an email that would convince you guys to continue posting two shows a week. So instead of writing you that email, I wrote this letter, which I will be sending to Shippensburg University, from which I graduated:

***

To Whom This May Concern,

Enclosed in this envelope you will find my college diploma, which I am returning to you for your disposal. I was enrolled in Shippensburg University from 2002 to 2006, and in those four years I’ve managed to gather a whole world of knowledge while developing a writing skill that would allow me to go on and sell my work to dozens of magazines and anthologies. In your English classes, I was able to analyze and discus all the great works of literature, and by the time I was finished those four years, I came out convinced that I was prepared for the real world.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the two hosts of one of my favorite shows announced that they were going to switch to only one show a week, and I lacked the complete eloquence needed in order to convince them otherwise. I felt betrayed by your university, that I had lived a lie, that the diploma hanging on that wall was a sham, an undeserved trophy that held no honor attached to it.

Hence why I must return the diploma to you, to not only overcome my own shame, but to let you know that you have failed one of your students in your plight to spread knowledge to better the world around us.

Sincerely yours,
Simon David Owens

Ps. I don’t suppose I can get a $40,000 refund as well?

***

So there you have it, Adam and Sam. I guess the only thing I have to say is that I would really like to not have to send that letter. Those were four long years, and I’d hate to see that they went to waste. Is there any kindness in your hearts so that you can allow a college graduate remain a college graduate, so that he can go on to remain successful and confident for the rest of his life?

Thank you ever so much for taking this into consideration.

Your fan,
Simon Owens